The wolf’s ears
Since the onset of the pandemic, I’ve been having an “auribus teneo lupum” moment— no matter which path I take there are challenges in holding on or letting go of the wolf’s ears. COVID-19 has, for many, brought both moments of appreciation for the things that truly matter as well as the terrifying realization of the fragility of it all. Spurred by my constant fear of wasting the one precious resource in my life that cannot be earned back (time), I began to grapple with a “shall I stay or shall I go” decision.
To hold on to my “stable” corporate job would bring a slow, creativity-depleting, soul-crushing death. To leap into the depths of entrepreneurship amidst turmoil and economic collapse of our country would pose some serious risks to everything I hold dear, materially.
Auribus teneo lupum, nam neque quomodo a me amittam invenio neque uti retineam scio.
Terentius, Phormio 506
i.e. ”I've got a wolf by the ears; for I neither know how to get rid of her, nor yet how to keep her.” (transl. Riley, 1887)
Full of flaws and hubris, I can at least smile to myself knowing my greatest super power is that I can never convince myself to disrupt the ecology of my mind. Meaning, I know my purpose, I know what feeds my inner fire, and it’s impossible to lie to myself. I have spent decades of my life painfully aware of what I need to experience and fulfill in this life in order to be truly happy. In my story, there are only fleeting moments where I am able to trick myself into a feeling of “you can be content and happy doing this thing” if I know it to be contrary to my beliefs or how I value my time. Despite my own cunning and crafty mental conditioning to try and be at peace with misaligned pathways, my inner compass eventually swallows it up and spits it out into the fragile splinters that those untruths are. This remains my one true strength, a beacon of sorts.
I’m sure you can guess where this story is going. But just because I’ve chosen to follow a path that has been calling to me for a long time doesn’t mean that the decision was easy or without immediate consequences. I truly admired and enjoyed my team, and felt a sense of responsibility to successfully hunt work that would create enough backlog to protect the numbers that had become especially vulnerable during the last few months. I’m accepting a significant amount of risk in entering an early stage (pre-Series A) startup. I’m also stepping aside from an industry that I have a handle on to one that I am rapidly learning and positioning our company in.
The fact is, all these tradeoffs don’t feel like tradeoffs when it comes to the question of living my purpose. I want to be challenged, I want to learn and grow, and I want to constantly test my depths. This decision ticks all three boxes, and the outcome is irrelevant so long as the lessons are retained in the next chapters of my life.
