Putting a bow on 2017...
2017 can be summed up for me as "challenging, but rewarding". Despite the difficult periods— sometimes for months on end— I have gained much better clarity on my priorities, qualities and who I am at the core. Thinking and getting to reflect is a ritual for me at the end of each year. Maybe I am more than just a bit nerdy, but I love it. I set my sights on new things, capture ideas about myself, and look forward to that blank slate feeling that arrives on the first of January. There are several themes that emerged for me in 2017…
PURPOSE
I've talked about the "many purposes in a lifetime" before. We're dynamic creatures, we cannot simply have one purpose. Shining a light on each purpose is slow, thoughtful work. I wouldn't say I can sum it up in a sentence yet but there are some bits and pieces that have been uncovered this year that act as confirmation that I'm edging just a bit closer to revealing the core of my beliefs and my current purpose. Perhaps they're a bit scattered, but they're all equally important:
Central to my character is this spirit of a scientist. I'm constantly testing my ideas and who I am, trying to see the limits of what I'm capable of. Sometimes it's a bit of mad science, other times more methodical. My sister gave me a book that relates to this part of my characters, so I call it my little "Ada Twist, Scientist" (and yes it's a children's book)
Suffering and struggle is ok and is part of my journey. I don't feel consumed by it or beaten up, but rather I've given it a seat at the table.
I experienced some challenges this year that really tested my beliefs in myself. Was I good enough? Could I stick with the problem (something I've always said is the differentiator between those who "make it" and others who fall short)? Could I continue to lead with conviction when instead I was unraveling and full of self-doubt?
I've not found lasting success with a relationship. Again, this year my strong beliefs about what I want for my life has lead me to make those hard decisions that shake up life and reset the path. It's never easy.
I'm happiest when I'm building. This part of me is kept quite busy by my career. The opposite of building is enterprising, which means using time to create a platform and exert a certain amount of control over your public presence by amassing an audience. Because I'm happier building, things like my blog often struggle because it doesn't seem my work has reached the level of significance that would warrant sharing with a broader audience. The blog has become more of a place for friends and family to check in on what I'm doing or what I'm thinking, rather than being that platform to reach "the masses". This is perfectly fine.
I've come to terms with my deepest fear. I fear that I will not achieve the fullest and truest expression of my potential. Again, this fear has brought me to that "fork in the road", as it so often does. Security, and financial ease, for example are in conflict with that sacred quest to walk through life fully expressed, emptying my reservoir of potential.
TRAVEL
This year brought some unique visits to parts of North America I would probably not have visited had it not been for work. I spent a pretty memorable few days in Tulsa, OK (read more here).
In September I visited Whitehorse and pretty much fell in love with it. I feel like I've evolved to be a full-fledged city dweller at this point in my life, but Whitehorse reminds me of the four years I spent bouncing from one small forested town to the next. The difference is that the people are so happy. The pubs were bubbly and alive, full at 5 pm with the after-work crowd. The beauty of the city stems from the quaintness and nostalgia— the gold rush vibe is strong. I made time to run to Miles Canyon to take in the lava flows and the scars from glacial formations. I missed out on putting on the hip waders and trying to conjure up my best "book on the shelf, answer the phone" technique learned one sunny afternoon fly fishing in the Rio Serrano (seriously, that is a story for another time; almost lost an ear).
I began 2017 in Tamarindo, Costa Rica, which is a place that holds special meaning to me. A decade earlier, it was the place we scattered my grandfather's ashes. Being that we were so close, and I had been raised being told I was in so many ways alike to him, it was lovely to honour his memory with a return visit. I wonder what he would think of the adventures I'm having? He gave us the beautiful gift, as young girls, of constantly telling us that we could become absolutely anything that we wanted, and to think otherwise was foolish.
I made one final trek out east to Kingston, ON to pick up a piece of paper for which I had traded sleep, sweat and tears. My family made it out there with me, which was incredibly special. It took me four months to fully recover from school— I literally couldn't take on any new hobbies or extra projects at work I was so burnt out. Glad to be feeling back to "normal" again.
The cure for anything is saltwater – sweat, tears, or the sea. - Isak Dinesen
And on that note, I know that in 2018 I need to prioritize my favorite activity (diving) and knock off a bucket list trip (or two). For anyone who doesn't know me, I live a pretty "hundred mile an hour" life. When you dive, the only thing you need to do is make sure you take your next breath. The beauty and simplicity of hearing the ocean-like sound of your breath underwater is nearly identical to the sounds of Ujjayi Pranayama— that constricted, powerful throat breathing used throughout vinyasa and ashtanga yoga. I never made the mental connection until this year, but I think simply hearing that ocean-like breath during my yoga practise helps sustain me while living in the prairies. I can never relax as deeply as when I'm 100 feet underwater, taking in the sights and listening to my own breath.
MY TRIBE
I feel particularly grateful for my tribe this year. They're a diverse bunch, aggregated over years of working all over the map. Some of the nicest things that happened to me this year were in my most difficult times. During the earlier part of 2017, when things were really rough, I was convinced I had let a lot of people down. To my surprise, I received short and to the point text messages. Words of encouragement saying they believed and to keep going. Commiserating and sharing similar experiences. It was all unexpected, but so appreciated. It cut through the loneliness and reminded me that things will improve.
POLITICS
To say I disliked social studies during gradeschool was an understatement. Give me math and science any day. However, this year I really enjoyed some select opportunities to participate in the political realm. I took a trip to Ottawa to deliver a statement to the Standing Committee on Natural Resources as part of their Clean Tech Study. Long, boring final report (which will most likely collect dust) here. Being a Grade A keener, I did a ton of research, and spoke to a long list of people who are smarter and more experienced than me. First of all, it's amazing how eager experts are to share their life's work when you simply ask. It lead to many interesting dinners and meetings with a group of people I normally wouldn't have a reason to interact with. It sparked a real interest in politics, as I realized the public discourse has become exceedingly lopsided and some voices have stayed quiet for too long. I'll upload the CleanTech presentation in a separate post because it's too long. I'm being called upon for a second time to deliver a statement this January as part of the effort to advocate for responsible growth in the energy industry, and it's already lead to meeting some unexpectedly interesting people.
AN INTENTIONAL LIFE
These words are not my own, but certainly capture my beliefs in an eloquent way.
A good life is an intentional life. I will not define myself simply as a reaction to who others want me to be. Nor be ruled by meaningless distraction or maniacal busyness without purpose. I am here to live, not surrender. To embrace meaning. To love unconditionally. To give without expectation. To settle into solitude. To make meaning. To participate, not watch. To create, not copy. To be unapologetically me. To rise up, and help others rise. I believe that this moment seeds every moment. Vulnerability is a virtue. Life is growth, stagnation is death. Presence beats presents. Compassion is a gateway to connection. Life is a co-creative process. With rare exception, everything is better when it’s shared. These things I know. These things, on my best days, I aspire to live. And, yes, I am now and always will be a work in progress. It’s called being human. A good life is not a place at which I arrive, it is a lens through which I see and create my world. It is lived this moment. And the next. And the next.
